The One With Mission Moose-Stealer

With bears it's safe to cuddle.

When you think of Canada, you think of three things: maple, Mounties and moose...meese...mooses, or whatever the plural of 'moose' is. Well, on Saturday, I saw my first ever moose and Mission Moose-Stealer was officially a-go! Parc Omega is a Canadian safari-esque experience about an hour or so away from Ottawa, near Montebello in Quebec. Upon first getting the Facebook invitation to go, I frantically thumped Gabby in the arm as we were in the library and it is generally frowned upon to emit loud, high-pitched sqeals. Mind you, it's also socially unacceptable to eat crips in the library, but I laugh in the face of danger, like animated lion cubs in Disney epics. The problem with events run by uOttawa's International Office, is that they are massively over-subscribed, which inevitably leads to tickets being sold out within hours and then much whining ensues on the Facebook group about how desperate they are to go and how 'it is their only chance to see these kind of animals.' Well, it is all our only chance to see these animals. I know there aren't many moose a-wandering around Brazil, but there aren't that many in Blighty either. To quote Tina Fey, 'suck it.'

Sexy the wapiti.

Probably the best part of Parc Omega is that you get to feed some of the animals carrots as you travel around in your vehicle. Now, I don't know whether you've ever tried to feed a wapiti out of a North American school bus, but it is a challenge and a half. First of all, to prevent moronic parents suing the school bus company if their obnoxious child chooses to jump out of bus window, the windows only open a tiny bit, and right at the top part of the window. This meant that if you were short, you basically couldn't feed any of the animals. And if you were of awkward height, like myself, it meants constantly slamming my head against the ceiling and slicing my armpit open as I tried to get my carrot to reach various deer and wapitis. The wild boar just got carrots thrown at them. Not that I was playing target practice, but quite a few got carrots bouncing off the old boar bottom...



After a while, the novelty of deer wandering passed my window wore off. I mean, we have deer in the UK. Granted, they are usually dead by the side of the McDonalds off the Milton Interchange of the A34, and don't look like they've just leapt straight out of 'Bambi' but still, you can only see so many deer. There were wapitis. Yeah, I had to Google them before I went to the parc because I didn't know what they were. I still don't. I think they're glorified deer. They're bigger, have bigger antlers. The most impressive wapiti in the parc is called Sexy. Yes, Sexy. Have you ever looked at a deer-like creature and thought, 'you are one sexy beast?' After 'Bambi' is it even possible to think of a deer being sexy? There's a reason why there is no Bambi porn movie. Have you ever heard of sexual fetishes involving antlers? Sexy the wapiti isn't what I'd call sexy, but then again, I'm not tempted by bestiality. Another issue I have with naming a wapiti Sexy, is that it is really rather unfair on the other wapitis. (Note to self: find out what the plural of wapiti is). Just because their antlers aren't as big doesn't mean they're not sexy. It's just promoting unhealthy body image amongst the wapiti community. And it's just not on.



There were beaver dams. There were no beavers. I swear, the presence of beavers in Canada is a complete and utter fabrication. There were Canada geese. There were chipmunks. There were black squirrels. The Dutch and Aussies went mental at this point as, apparently, Holland and Australia don't have squirrels. Please, take our grey ones! And there were wild boar which made me think of Pumba, and then I remembered that was set in a completely different continent and with a completely different species of animal. Got to admit though, baby wild boars are cute!

Too cute!

Just not as cute as artic foxes. These must be the most adorable and the most fluffy animals to have ever roamed God's wonderful earth. It was, er, so fluffy I could die. I've asked the mother if I could have one for Christmas, but the spoilsport that she is, she replied in the negative. What is it with small, fluffy animals? Can you imagine the population problem if babies were small and fluffy? Boy, it would tempt this unmarried woman to pre-marital breeding. I should get a puppy to keep me occupied.

Parc Omega contains one of the most beautiful cliches known to man: the lone wolf. There is a lone wolf. He's old and the rest of his pack died, so now he's living out his last days in solitude, metres away from a herd of bison with just a metal gate protecting him. But I'm sure he's endowed with many of the qualities associated with lone wolves, namely an inate sociopathy.

Chilling with Bambi.

There was one point on the safari when we were let loose from the bus and allowed to go feed some animals in a way that didn't kill our limbs. It was more deer. As if we hadn't fed enough sodding deer by that point. Yet, the photos betray me, as they show my face full of pure joy at feeding a deer a gross carrot from LobLaws. I kept reffering to all the deer I tried to coax my way as 'Bambi.' What else would you call a deer? I also discovered that my talking-to-deer voice is the same as my talking-to-babies voice which I used at St Len's creche last year. In other words, I talk to the 18 month old daughter of two Oxford graduates the same way I talk to a Canadian deer.

A bit too close for comfort.

One of my major character flaws upon being in the presence of animals, is recounting tales of the animals I have eaten. This happened upon seeing the bison. Shockingly, we weren't allowed to feed them because they would ram the bus, killing us all and I don't think my insurance covers me for bison attacks in Quebec. Bison is tasty. Massive heffing bison standing in front of your bus is annoying. Have you ever tried to get a 7000 pound bison to move without making it want to kill you? It's a challenge.



Where still the mighty moose wanders at will?

My favourite song, my favourite even above any Shania Twain song, is 'Land of the Silver Birch' which features the line 'where still the mighty moose wanders at will.' Well, I've been waiting my whole life for this image to be fulfilled. And it was - ish. Fog the moose, (named thus because it was foggy the day he arrived), is a lazy moose. There was no mightiness, and certainly no wandering. He just lay on the ground. To be fair, he's probably suffering from depression and seasonal affective disorder as the name Fog confers upon him. (I'm an expert in moose mental health.) I was tempted to steal him, but he had a goat for a body guard (no joke), called Copine or Friend. Why? Because Fog is an orphan so they felt he needed a friend, and they got a goat and just named him according to his purpose. Now, if we all did that, my name would me Keep Me In The Retirement I Want To Become Accustomed To. I can't help but feel a little bit dejected about the whole moose thing. I don't want to steal a grump moose, I want a mighty moose like in the song!



Hey cutie!

I also want a black bear. But a domesticated one that won't rip my head off when I cuddle it. From the safety of the bus, I auditioned the black bears at Parc Omega, but they were all just a tad too violent when meat was thrown their way. They may look cute and cuddly, but post-mortem photos after being mauled by one won't look so adorable. That's the problem with nature, you want to cuddle them and they want to kill you. Unless you're a hunter, in which case it's the other way round.

Other animals included one coyote; arctic wolves, alpine ibeks and more and more deer/wapiti/wild boar. There were also two baby moose. They also didn't look mighty or wandering, but give it a few months, and I may return and see if they are ready to fulfill my childish need to have some folk song become a reality. I think I need to head West for this mission!

Mission Moose-Stealer is still in operation. And as for you, beaver population of Canada, I will find you before the year is out.